Thursday, January 3, 2013

If I could write a letter...

...and postmark it to Heaven, this is what it would say:

Dear Amy,

I have been missing you so much since the day you left. There are days when I'm o.k. and days when I can barely keep it together. There are moments when I smile and moments when the emotions completely overwhelm me. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and the inspiration you have been to me and so many others. In fact, your inspiring nature is what prompted this letter. I wanted to let you know just how much you have impacted my life, even since leaving this earth.

1. Accomplishment 1: December 2012. I will never forget the phone conversation we had as I drove home from work. I was telling you about how I had gotten into a fight with the man that never treated me the way I deserved, and Evan was there to be my shoulder to cry on. I had described the nice little thing Evan had done for me and how he always seemed to be there to make life better. You asked me: "Amanda, why aren't you dating Evan?" I responded "I don't know"...and that was true. You made me realize that what I was needing was right under my nose. You inspired me to leave a negative situation and pursue a better one.

2. Accomplishment 2: Giving in to the fact that it's o.k. to fall apart because your family will be there to piece you back together. Your memorial was the first time I was truly able to give in to this. I had watched you for years, unafraid of appearing "weak" or "broken". I had seen you cry, seen you pray, and seen you reach out for help. I wish it hadn't taken your passing to inspire me to do the same, but it's because of you that I finally was able to let others be strong for me for once rather than the other way around. You inspired me to lean on the ones that love me.

3. Accomplishment 3: You inspired me to re-evaluate my life. I had been searching for what was "right" for me. Where I was supposed to go, was my career path the right one. I had looked into jobs across the U.S. thinking I just need to keep moving up and I'll eventually be happy. A few days after I returned from an interview in Chicago, I found out that your time here was going to be cut very short. I began to feel panicked, as I was about to face the challenge of moving even farther away. I found out that I had not received the position in Chicago and that a position in AZ opened all in the same day. I was upset about the job but relieved that it meant I could stay closer. I had planned to come out and visit you and wanted to badly to hug you one last didn't make it till that visit. I will never forget the last phone conversation I had with you. The only phrase I could understand from you was "I loved my song, I love you". I somehow knew those were the last words I would ever hear from you. I was so mad at myself for not being able to be there with you...that day I vowed I would find a way back to my family. I would not let distance separate me anymore. That was the day I completely redirected my goals and ambitions. I realized the reason I was unhappy was because I was searching for happiness in the wrong places.

Amy, I am now finding happiness. In 1 week I will be making my way back to Arizona with the job of my dreams and to the family I so desperately need to be close to. Thank you so much for the inspiration you have been. I may not be able to put this letter in an envelop and address it to: "Amy Schultz, Heaven" but I know that these words will find you. I am so excited for the day that I will see you again, but will miss you ever day till then. I love you so much.



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